I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
