no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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