there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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