how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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