Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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