yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
