I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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