I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
