having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
