i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
