she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
