ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
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