Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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