you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
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