can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
