Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
