I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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