I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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