I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
