i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
