I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
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