Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize