I love black thongs
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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