I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
