i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
