I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
