Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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