complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
