When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Randomize
