My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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