I met the friendliest cop last night
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
you will always have a special place in my vag
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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