shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
