Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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