the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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