also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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