Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
