Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Randomize
