Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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