Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
