Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
