So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
