I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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