Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
