dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
