Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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