Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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