If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
