the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
