Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
