I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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