I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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