all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
