so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize
