brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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