Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize